Look No Further: Here’s How to Write CoPy tHaT cOnVeRtS
Hey, Friend —
Are you an Upwork reject? A Fiverr failure? A Craigslist creep?
Well, I don’t think I’d go th-
Let me stop you right there.
You are.
Unless your name is Daniel Throssell or that girl who makes 300k on Fiverr (or me, obviously), you’re a freelance nobody.
But don’t worry.
I’m going to show you exactly how to write copy that converts.
That’s good. Real good. Now tell them how terrible they are again.
Are you ready to fix your dogshit copy and dogshit life?
Hey, man, I don’t see why its nec-
Woah. Woah woah. Woah.
First rule of copy conversion is you don’t speak ever and I speak forever and ever.
In the form of one-sentence paragraphs.
In your inbox.
Did you sign up for my newsletter?
You DIDN’T??!!
Then shoo. Obviously, you’re not serious about this. Obviously, you’ve never been KEPT AWAKE thinking about your TARGET PERSONA and what KEEPS THEM AWAKE.
Oh, you did sign up for it? Are you sure? Hold on, let me check.
(I rustle through my backpack, like a kid who forgot his homework.)
(I pull out a HUGE book. HUGE.)
Ah, here it is. My email list. Gosh, I need to reorganize this thing. It’s so BIG it’s embarrassing.
Let’s see if you’re inside.
(I lick the tip of my pointer finger and sharply flip through the pages. You lean over and I slap you away.)
NO PEEKING!!!!!!
(You swear you saw blank pages, but this is so nightmarish, you don’t know if I’m even real anymore. The slap hurt, though.)
Yes, I guess you’re in here somewhere. I don’t have time to look, anyway. I’m too busy fixing your terrible copy. Now, where were we?
I don’t think I like this article. I’m gonna go on YouTube and watch Alex Cattoni. I think she actually helps people.
You’re losing them, you IDIOT! God, you couldn’t sell shit to a fly! Oooh, that was pretty good! Write that down!
Hey, man, what are you writing? Can I leave now?
WHAT?!?!
(I snap at you, red-faced, as if pulled from a dream.)
Oh, right, you. Who are you again?
You were telling me how to write copy that converts. I really just need to earn a few bucks to make rent this month. I already work two jobs. I thought you might be able to help.
Oh. Oh, I see …
Hey, moron!!!! Don’t fall for that sob-story!! You don’t make MONEY from actually SELLING information. You need to CONFUSE them so they keep coming back!! What do you want, competition?!?!? You suck too much to have competition!!!
Now, baffle them with acronyms you learned yesterday on r/copywriting and know nothing about!!!!
WHAT’S YOUR USP????
What …
CTR!!! CRM!!!! OPP!!!! YOU KNNOW MEEEEEE!!!!
All right, that’s enough. You were kinda funny at first but this is getting stupid.
(You walk toward the door.)
WAIT!!!!!!!
(You turn around.)
Yeah?
(I’m under my desk now, crying.)
You don’t know what it’s like …
*sniff*
being a goo-roo …
TO BE CONTINUED ……….
…….
………………..
ok bye
